


Strange Love

by AuthenticallyAlia



Category: Phan, dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 17:59:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5385092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuthenticallyAlia/pseuds/AuthenticallyAlia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Phil's wedding day, and he can't stop thinking about someone who's not his groom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strange Love

Phil glanced excitedly around the room that he sat in, and out the small window into the yard. It was beautifully decorated, and he couldn’t be happier. A cream-coloured archway covered in blue lilies stood at the end of a cobblestone path. On either side of the path were about forty chairs for the people who would soon arrive. This was the day he would get married. He looked into the vanity mirror in the suite he waited in now. He was dressed in a tuxedo with a gorgeous, snow-white rose on his lapel. His black fringe was pushed out of his face a little, showing his bright eyes. He was wearing, under his tuxedo, a silky, pale blue dress shirt with a silver bowtie. He smiled giddily, almost childishly, in excitement for what was to come. He was getting married!  
Now, he just had to wait for his best man, PJ Liguori, to come get him when Phil was supposed to wait at the altar for his husband-to-be.  
Phil sat on the soft bed, fidgeting nervously with his lapel and the hem of his jacket. After what seemed like forever, he heard a knock on the door. “PJ, is that you?” Phil asked.  
“Yes, I’m coming in. Are you dressed?”  
“Yes, I am.”  
PJ must have heard the nervous energy in Phil’s voice, because he came into the room and hugged him tightly then said, “It’s going to be okay, mate. You’re getting married to a wonderful man, not getting executed.”  
“Thanks, PJ. Are we ready? Should I go up there, or not yet?”  
“We’re ready. Come on, I have to lead you a way so you won’t see your fiancé yet. It’s bad luck, you know.”  
“I know, PJ. You know how superstitious I am,” he said jovially.  
“Right, well—“  
They both stopped. Phil covered his eyes, but it was too late. “James! I can’t see you yet, we haven’t been married! It’s bad luck!”  
“It’s okay, Philly. It’s just superstition.”  
Phil’s stomach lurched at the pet name. Dan used to—no. He wouldn’t think of him. Not today, when he was about to get married to the love of his life. James. James was the love of his life, not Dan. He couldn’t look back, he couldn’t regret. Not now, with five minutes left until he was married. He turned away.  
“You know this means a lot to me,” Phil said quietly, and then walked away. He needed to be at the altar. They were getting married. Him and his beloved were getting married. He caught himself wondering if other people needed this much convincing to marry their beloved. He didn’t care. He needed this, to forget Dan. He stood at the altar, waiting, as guests arrived.  
Phil had invited his whole family, and so had James. Phil had, out of kindness, invited Dan. He barely thought he would come. The last time they had seen each other, they had both said some hurtful things and they hadn’t talked since. Phil, for someone who was getting married, thought about his ex-boyfriend a lot. He often wondered how Dan was doing, outside of YouTube. He would watch the occasional video of his, just to make sure he was okay. On harder nights, he would watch their old collaborations, even the old Phil Is Not On Fires, and cry into his pillow, thinking of what could have been. They had broken up in early 2012, after an argument regarding a video that had become unprivated by a YouTube glitch. Phil had wanted to come out, to say to the whole world that he was dating this wonderful person called Dan. Dan, however, was insecure, and didn’t want people to know he was dating a boy, even if Dan himself loved that boy with all his heart. Dan had a deep-rooted fear of judgment, and Phil had accepted his sexuality years before Dan had. Neither of them knew the other’s reasoning, and they broke up after an ugly fight. It had been four years, and Phil thought about his former love on his wedding day, standing at the altar.  
Phil snapped out of his memories as he heard the bridal chorus, or, as the case may be, the groom chorus. He looked down the aisle and saw James walking with his mother, as his father had declined going to a “wedding of that sort.” Phil’s heart beat uneasily in his chest as James neared him. He felt like he was going to throw up, but he stayed still and smiling. James reached the altar and stood opposite Phil, smiling and staring into his eyes. James had deep brown eyes and dark brown hair. It was styled in a quiff. Phil looked back into James’ eyes, trying to focus on one point so as not to fall over. James’ eyes reminded Phil of someone, but he couldn’t pinpoint whom. A famous actor, maybe? He dismissed the thought as the priest began the ceremony.  
“Dearly beloved,” the priest said in a gravelly yet soothing voice. “We are gathered here today to…”  
And so he continued on, but Phil wasn’t listening. He was thinking of how his life had led him to this point; school, University, Dan. Phil’s breath hitched as he remembered again the last words they ever spoke to each other:  
“Dan, why can’t we just come out,” Phil had pleaded. “It’s not like our subscribers will care! Why don’t you want people to know that you love me?”  
“Why can’t us knowing that we love each other be good enough? Why does everyone else have to know? You know that I love you, and that’s enough! Or, it should be! Why can’t this be enough for you, Phil?”  
Phil had then walked away, and when he came back to their apartment, Dan and all of his things were gone. Phil didn’t hear from him again, and he only knew what Dan said in videos: he was in a different part of London and was starting a new life. Phil hadn’t wanted it to end that way. He had wanted to live with him, to love him, forever. Phil thought about all the good things in their relationship: long breakfasts, TV show marathons at 1 AM followed by passionate make out sessions or just cuddling contentedly. Or more serious and exhausting things, but Phil didn’t let himself remember how much he enjoyed that. He couldn’t do that to himself. Phil had loved Dan with his whole heart until the day that Dan left. Phil, not wanting to think about the months after their breakup when he was so alone, thought more of his favourite things about Dan. He remembered his laugh; he remembered the warm, chocolate brown eyes that always seemed to be watching him with the utmost love. He thought about the Manchester Days, when they would just spend the entire day in the city, going to Starbucks and eating at the Skybar. And on the first night they met, on the Manchester Eye—  
“Philip Lester, you may say your vows.”  
“Oh-um, right. I, Phil, take you,” Phil glanced around nervously and just for a moment, caught eyes with the ghost from his past. “Dan!” he squeaked. James stepped backwards, angry. Phil blushed and began a thousand-word-long speech consisting of only the word “sorry.” Dan, in the audience, smirked.  
The audience was staring at Phil, and James’ family looked ready to start a war. Phil did the only thing he could think of: he ran. He ran into the park where they were having the wedding, and as he ran, he heard shouts behind him. Some were angry, some were not. He ran from it all and he didn’t stop until he couldn’t run any more. He sat on a large rock next to a cold stream and put his head in his hands. He cried. Sixty seconds ago, Phil Lester ruined the happiest day of his life. Sixty seconds ago, Dan Howell reappeared in Phil’s life. Phil was thinking about how horrible of a person he must be to get engaged to a rebound boyfriend and how that rebound boyfriend probably did love him, and how now he probably hated him. Phil always knew he was a clumsy person, but he never expected to pull a Ross Geller and say the wrong person’s name at his own wedding. Sobbing, he turned back towards the venue where he knew he must deal with what he did. He looked up and jumped.  
“Quite a performance you put up there, Phil.” Even though the setting sun draped the figure in shadow, there was no mistaking the voice or how he pronounced Phil’s name like “Phiw.”  
“Daniel James Howell, listen to me.” Phil began to walk around emphatically, gesturing wildly with his hands. “You showed up at my wedding with not so much as a hello or even an RSVP and you expect me to be okay with that? You expect us to be okay?! I was getting married, for God’s sake, you’d think you’d’ve picked a better goddamn time to find me again than my own wedding! I can’t believe you! Not a word, not a text or a tweet or any contact at all for four years and then you decide that my wedding was a bloody brilliant time to talk again? How daft do you think I am? You come here all high-and-mighty and expect everything to be fettled, do you? You left me alone without so much as a warning, and it took me three bloody years to get over you! I—“  
“Are you sure you’re over me?” Dan asked, his face flat.  
“What?” “Phil stopped and stared at him.  
“Based on how distracted and downright queasy you looked during the ceremony, plus your expression when you saw me, I’d say you’re not entirely over me just yet.” A glimmer of a smirk showed in Dan’s eyes, but it never reached his lips. Phil caught himself thinking about how much Dan had grown up since 2012 and how good he looked, and scolded himself. For the first time, however, he began to realise that he did never get over Dan. He still loved the way his hair desperately attempted to stay curly, even through the hairspray and GHDs. He still loved the dimples that appeared when Dan smiled; he still loved the many shades of brown that inhabited Dan’s eyes. He loved everything about the younger boy.  
“Dan,” Phil said, almost a whisper. “Why did you come back?”  
“Because, like you, I never got over our relationship. And, like you, I didn’t realise it until it was almost too late. Please forgive me, Phil. I was going through an awful time, and I never told you why that video meant so much to me. I wasn’t okay with my sexuality back then, I didn’t know people wouldn’t care. I’m still not sure that my mum and my dad won’t care. I’m not out to them, but you almost made me strong enough to come out. I cared about you, and I still do. Please understand, Phil. I’m sorry I left. I…I have no excuses for who horrible that was.”  
Phil, momentarily forgetting the fact that he had just fled in shame from his own wedding, said, “I forgive you, Dan. I forgive you.” Phil felt his eyes beginning to water, and he blinked in quick succession to keep the tears away. He saw that Dan was staring at him in a mix of shock and elation.  
“What’s that face for?”  
“I didn’t expect you to forgive me that quickly. You know, with today being your wedding and all.”  
“Oh, god. I—I can’t believe I forgot! James, he must be so upset, not to mention embarrassed! I need to go see him, explain what happened—“ Phil began striding quickly towards the venue  
“Phil?” Dan said, barely audible. Phil turned, always knowing when Dan needed something.  
“Yes, Dan?” Phil said, matching the other man’s tone.  
“You’ll come back to me, right? When you’re done?”  
Phil smiled pleasantly and walked up to Dan, so they looked each other in the eye. He said firmly, “I was supposed to give a vow to someone today, so I’ll say this to you : I promise you, Dan Howell, I will always come back home to you, if you will do the same.”  
Dan smiled broadly and Phil noticed the deep, adorable dimple on the left side of his face. He noticed Dan’s barely straightened hair, trying desperately to be curly. Dan’s eyes began to water as he said, “I promise to you, Phil Lester, that I will always come back to you. Always.”  
And then Phil was off, towards the wreckage of the marriage that was supposed to happen but never would. Towards his old life. Towards the most recent chapter in his life, which was now ending. It had been a long one, that chapter, and he was glad it ended. He looked back at Dan as he ran to the venue and he saw him waving. He waved back and prepared to deal with James.  
To keep himself calm, he did what had become a habit: he thought of the good things he had done with Dan. But now, he also thought of the good things to come, all the things he had been to scared to wish for for all this time. The long breakfasts watching anime together, the peaceful familial qualities of simply being in the same flat. And for the first time in four years, Phil Lester knew that Dan Howell was irrevocably, unquestioningly his and vice versa. In a way, they were one person, but in a different and yet similar way they were separate. Phil knew they could never stay away from each other for long; they both cared about each other too much. Their friends, back in the day, had called it a “psychic link,” jokingly. But the two of them knew that when you open yourself up, wholly and perfectly, when you lay out your evils and your passions and your guilts and your little happinesses, you allow yourself to be responsible for their well-being, and they for yours.  
Phil though that one of the reasons that he and Dan fit together so perfectly, and why they had opened up to each other like that in the first place, was partially the timing of their meeting in relation to where both of them were in their lives. But it was also the wonderful contrasts that brought out the best in each other: Phil’s bright, optimistic personality in contrast with Dan’s sarcasm and cynicism. Dan’s soulful, opinionated views and Phil’s watchful, waiting indifferences. Phil’s love of all things pastel and bright, and Dan’s love of dark, monochrome styles. They were a perfect contrast, and so a perfect pair. They were willing to point out flaws because they always knew that the other person was looking out for them.  
So, when Phil arrived back at the wedding venue and was confronted by James, he knew exactly who he was going to choose.


End file.
